The More Things Change...

…The more things stay the same.

One week ago, Penguin fans were contemplating an unfathomable match-up for the Eastern Conference championship. Let’s see; who do we root for, the Washington F’n Crapitals or the Eastern Pennsylvania Orange and Black Goon Squad? Can you say spontaneous labor stoppage? And while we are debating such matters, do you prefer a colonoscopy or a prostate exam?

Instead, in a shocking (or perhaps not so shocking) turn of events the Craps have been swept and the Goons are at death's door. Instead of an impossible choice in the Eastern Conference finals, we are 48 hours away from assessing the wreckage of two more lost seasons.

On the positive side, Bruce Boudreau will have infinite opportunities to go for ice cream at 9:00am. Unemployment has a liberating effect on one’s personal calendar.

Washington spent most of the season rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. They attempted a delusional reincarnation as a defensive style team. Apparently it’s easier to ask soft, one dimensional offensive players to trap than it is to admit they are perennial post season chokers. On the ridiculous meter, this rivals Lou Piniella selling Cubs management that his team’s five phase post season choke could be cured merely by adding Milton Bradley.

After all those cosmetic changes the result was the same; a post season flame out. The Craps as per usual collapsed once the games started to matter. Or at least when they mattered against a credible post season opponent.

Speaking of credible, we have the Philadelphia Professional Hockey Club which continues its three decade quest to win a Stanley Cup IN SPITE OF its goaltending.

Just when we think the goaltending in Philly can’t get any worse, they find a way to deal it down. Martin Biron and Antero Nittymaki are not bad enough? Let’s bring in Brian Boucher and Michael Leighton. Miraculously overcome this until Leighton implodes in the Stanley Cup finals? By all means try it again; and toss in an over his head rookie to up the ante.

I honestly can not stand the Goon Squad and even I’m angry at the joke that is their goaltending. It’s an affront to everything I believe in; to my personal hockey truth. The only thing more amazing than entrusting a legitimate Stanley Cup favorite to these three stiffs is that they actually won a series. Against Ryan Miller no less. And somehow Lindy Ruff got a contract extension?

The Goons however have finally hit the crappy goaltending wall. Boston is too talented, too focused, and too much better between the pipes to blow another 3 games to none lead. And Philly is not going to repeat least year’s miracle comeback against any opponent when their starting goaltender is an even money bet to get hooked in the first 40 minutes.

Seriously, is anybody else tired of watching Boucher’s stick breaking, equipment throwing tantrums every other game? Hey Brian, here’s a thought…STOP THE FREAKIN PUCK. In fairness, there is a reason Boucher is giving up so many ridiculously soft goals this post season; HE’S NOT GOOD. That’s why his NHL passport has been stamped by half the league, as a BACK-UP goalie. And the saddest part is he truly might be Philly’s best net minder.

For goodness sakes, Mike Milbury referred to Philly’s goaltending debacle as “an organizational failure.” MIKE FREAKIN MILBURY! What next, Rashard Mendenhall tweeting about...ok, never mind.

I frequently lament the Osgood-ification of the NHL. This is the ridiculous syndrome, promulgated first by the all powerful Scotty Bowman in Detroit that allows for teams to have so much talent and depth amongst their 18 skaters that they can essentially win without a goaltender. Philly has taken this to a whole different level.

Whatever you think of Osgood, and personally I think he’s an above average goaltender in a perfect situation, he’s about five times better than any Philly goaltender since I graduated high school. I will shed zero tears for my least favorite team’s latest post season flop. It is however in a broader sense a hockey travesty that a team with so much talent and depth allows itself to be annually sabotaged by ECHL caliber goaltending.

Seriously, how many years in a row does this have to happen before somebody at the FU Center gets a clue? How many years will they throw big money at redundant talents like Andrej Mezaros and Kris Versteeg; while dishing out bargain basement wages to the three stooges in net? Is there a minimum basic skills test to be an NHL general manager a la Joe Clark in "Lean on Me"?

As for the first runner up for my hockey disdain, the carnage is likely to be a lot worse. Philly, at least in theory, can address their primary issue. They have more than enough marketable depth to trade for somebody who can actually stop a 30 foot wrist shot in the post season. The solution is not so simple in Washington.

The easy thing to do after an embarrassing sweep against Tampa is to throw Boudreau under the bus and make him the scapegoat for the Craps' latest melt down. Accepting the obvious comic relief this would provide, it is effectively a band aid for a broken organization. The problems are much greater in scope and relate primarily to Ovie’s minions.

I can only assess so much blame to the Haagen Dazs clown when he’s saddled with three supposed star players who disappear every spring. My favorite quote of the playoffs came after (yet another) botched defensive play by Mike Green; the Versus announcer clarified that defensive situations are not Green’s strength. That does not exactly qualify as breaking news but if forces me to ponder exactly what he is good at? After all, Green has not scored a meaningful post season goal since junior high school.

A few weeks back I stated that I was not sold on the Craps' new “defensive style” but “at least Semin and Green would have excuses for not scoring in the post season.” That statement was in error; but only by omission since I forgot to include Nicklas Backstrom. Hate on Alex Ovechkin all you want but understand he is the one and only player in red, white, and blue that consistently scores in the postseason. Go figure his refusal to pass the puck late in game three. Would you pass to Semin or Backstrom with your season on the line?

Ovechkin figures to take some heat for Washington’s latest collapse. He’s supposed to be a championship caliber superstar and thus is hardly immune to criticism. In all fairness, I doubt Sid the Kid could drag the collection of big game stiffs masquerading as Ovechkin’s supporting cast past the second round. Seriously, these guys make the playoff Sedins look like Gretzky and Lemieux.

That’s not to absolve Boudreau from responsibility from his team’s latest failure. My personal opinion, validated in part by four enlightening episodes of 24/7 is that Boudreau is way over his head coaching a team with legitimate Stanley Cup aspirations. He panics at the slightest sign of trouble (see Theodore, Jose). He whines incessantly about every questionable call against his choking team (quote of the WEAK, “I’m not whining, I’m just explaining”). Worst of all, he makes rash decisions like turning a talented offensive juggernaut in to New Jersey Devils south.

Seriously, if the Craps were going to run out the neutral zone trap, should they not have hired Jacque Lemaire? Or at least Guy Boucher? Instead, Boudreau converted his existing team with a few cosmetic changes to a style they are not equipped to play and he is not equipped to coach. Calling Dave Wannstedt…Mr. Dave Wannstedt.

It will be interesting to see if Sweaty Teddy’s patience finally runs out. My guess is it will. The last two years were bad enough but this failure, after a full scale re-engineering of the team’s style is probably the last straw. My guess is management is at the end of its rope with Boudreau’s F’bomb tirades and the deaf ears they fall on. The players should go first but good luck finding trade partners for $7 Million post season chokers who are signed through 2045.

That mean’s Boudreau could ultimately bare the full responsibility for this failure while the invisible men return for another playoff run. It will be left to BB’s replacement to get water from a stone (or stones).

Peter Laviolette figures to survive in Philly. He should not expect much improvement if his general manager continues a three decade tradition of going blue light special between the pipes.  One presumes the salary cap will start to claw away at Philly's depth as well.

In other words, the more things change…the more things stay the same.