Eastward Bound…Penguin Fan Traded at the United Center

Sunday afternoon in my adopted hometown of Chicago, I learned what it feels like to be traded.

To be clear I said “traded;” not “bailing on my current team to sign a one year contract with an arch rival that supposedly gives me the best chance to win the Stanley Cup.” Hypothetically of course.

I attended the Blackhawks game last Wednesday versus Minnesota and was 100% behind the Indian Head. Five days later I’m in the same building, dressed to the nines in Penguin attire and screaming my guts out for Marc-Andre Fleury and the Wilkes Barre Seven. The Hawks players I rooted for five nights earlier were now the faces of the enemy.

Appearing at the U.C. in visiting colors, 100% vested in the visiting team, even sitting on the opposite side of the building; well let’s just say I now understand how Jaromir Jagr felt the first time he played at the Igloo in a Crapitals sweater.

In all seriousness, the United Center looked different on Sunday. The Hawks looked different. For one night, I saw my adopted hometown through the eyes of a stranger. It’s the tenuous and dangerous existence I walk trying to root for two hockey teams. Adding another layer of conflict, my wife walks the same line but with inverse team priorities. Yikes.

With that brief introduction, my latest “SportsGuy” style recap of Sunday’s out of body experience at the United Center. All times central standard and heavily estimated as always…

1:30 PM – I make one last series of futile attempts to convince Emily to wear Penguin gear to the United Center. She politely declines. Emily is wearing her red Hawks t-shirt, I’m wearing my black Fleury jersey. The battle lines have been drawn and there is no more denying the truth we’ve tip toed around for two years. We are a mixed hockey couple…and for one day we’re on opposite sides of the fence.

2:00 – I spend the warm-up scanning the ice for Penguin players I actually recognize. I carefully watch our goaltenders to try and guess who is starting. I’m praying for Marc-Andre Fleury so I can see at least one Penguins’ star for my $87.50 investment. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t tell Brent Johnson I said that…I fear pain.

2:15 – Reality sets in…no Sid, no Geno. Things have gotten so bad for the Pens that I’m actually lamenting the loss of Chris Kunitz. Seriously.

2:35 – National anthem at the United Center…still the best live moment in professional sports.

2:45 – Fleury robs Patrick Sharp with a BEAUTIFUL breakaway save. This pretty much sums up the opening period, MAF is single handedly keeping the Pens in the game. How he does not even flinch when Sharpie launches a slap shot from 15 feet at his “mid section” is beyond me. Goalies are scary people…even the ones that are not Brent Johnson.

2:50 – Sharp scores on a beautiful set-up by Hawks captain Jonathan Toes. Chelsea Dagger blares from the loud speaker as per usual. In spite of weeks of preparation for this very moment, Emily is clearly conflicted as to how to proceed. In the words of Steve Miller I tell her to “dance, dance, dance…” She does.

2:51 – The heavy set gentlemen in front of me stands up to “adjust himself” during play for about the 4th time in the opening period. This is irksome enough at face value but coming right after the Pens give up a goal, it’s too much to bare. In a strikingly out of character moment, I scream at him to SIT DOWN. Five minutes later the beer man also feels my wrath. I guess being traded really shakes a guy up. By the way, the Hawks fan next to me is in complete agreement with my position though decorum prevents me from repeating his exact comments. Good to see fans of different teams can find common ground though.

2:55 – An entire line of Wilkes Barre guys hits the ice. Somewhere in Canada, Jock Callender and Mike Needham are smiling.

3:00 – More than half way through the first period and I have zero tangible proof that Marion Hossa is taking part in this afternoon’s contest..

3:15 – The single most disturbing moment of a difficult day. Hawks’ mascot Tommy Hawk perches himself on Emily’s lap for nearly five minutes. He stares right at me (and my jersey) before he does it, clearly mocking the superior fowl. Apparently it’s not enough that for 24 hours I’m an outcast in my home town. Now some dude dressed like a giant bird is hitting on my wife. For a moment I ponder going Brent Johnson on him and throwing a right cross to the beak. I mean what’s my worst case scenario for premeditated avian assault? Five for fighting and a four day suspension?

3:20 – Mike Milbury is taping the between periods show no more than 20 feet from our seats. Once again I’m pondering whether felonious assault by a fan is acceptable, if it takes place within the context of the game. If Mike’s a man of his word, he will accept his beat down as “part of the code.”

3:35 – Pierre McGuire leaps over the boards at the commercial break to interview Dan Bylsma. As I bask in the glory of seeing but not hearing the all knowing hockey savant, I quietly wonder if he has to ask Edzo for permission to go to the bathroom a la Red in Shawshank redemption.

3:45 – Alex Goligoski turns the puck over in the neutral zone. In other news, the Pens miss Crosby and Malkin, Chicago weather sucks in the winter, and Emily likes cookies. And who knew then I was watching GoGo’s last turnover in a Penguin uniform.

4:00 – What has gotten in to Patrick Sharp today? On the heals of being named one of Chicago’s 50 most beautiful people, the Hawks leading scorer takes out Brooks Orpik with a high stick and cracks Paul Martin with a Cooke-like shot from behind. The hit on Martin draws no penalty. Not that it matters because Penguin power players these days are nothing more than suicide wind sprints for Kris Letang. All we need is Herb Brooks with a whistle screaming…”AGAIN!” and “WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR !”

4:00 (and 30 seconds) – The first of at least seven angry text messages from Christopher bemoaning the inequity of officiating in today’s game.

4:02 – As the Hawks go on the power play, I mumble something about how a short handed goal would be great right here (or any goal truthfully). Right on cue, the Superstar Max Talbot sets up Cooke with a Lemieux like saucer pass that Cooke buries behind Corey Crawford. Much to the chagrin of my wife and most of section 314, I let out a scream that could wake the dead. We’re all even.

4:20– Emily’s friend Katie is kind enough to switch seats with us so we move from the upper deck to four rows off the ice for the 3rd period. Finally I feel like one of those fans who wins the “seat upgrade” contest.

4:30 – Unbelievable. I never thought I’d say this but I’m having Justin Abdelkader flashbacks. Fleury has single handedly carried the Pens to this point and then suddenly regresses to his October form. A pillow soft goal over the glove hand and sends the United Center in to a frenzy…with one notable exception. My beautiful wife, knowing how much I abhor bad goaltending, is too thoughtful and considerate to dance after that goal. Not that this was ever in doubt but my wife is a much better person than I. Read on…you’ll see.

4:15 – I observe former Chicago Wolves minor league star Brett Sterling standing next to some Hawks winger that used to play for Detroit (aka, the invisible man). Ever wonder why a 50+ goal scorer in the minors barely gets a sniff of the NHL? Let’s just say he looks like Dorf on Golf standing next to Hossa. Seriously, I think the guy is 4 feet 9 or something. On the plus side, I’ve finally noticed Hossa in the game.

4:30 – Jordan Staal drives the net, pushes a Tyler Kennedy rebound to the side and…you guessed it…Sterling drives it past Crawford to tie the game. I let lose another wake the dead scream. Emily is reconsidering her earlier gesture of kindness. Even in this moment of joy I’m still in shock that this constitutes our first line.

4:45 – A clean and sober Patrick Kane dances around Kris Letang and nearly ends the game before overtime. Letang is forced to take a penalty. All I can think is…why can’t it ever be easy?

4:46 – No worries. Hossa returns the favor and takes down Cooke. At least now he’s in the box score. Seriously, at what point did Hossa morph in to Vinny Lecavalier north? And just in case I’ve been too subtle to this point; no, I have not quite forgiven him for running out on the Pens. A few more games like this however and I just might.

4:48 – Jordan Staal takes a slap shot square in the jaw on an overtime power play. Staal’s life is turning in to slapstick comedy. It’s nothing short of divine intervention that he was not seriously injured in the bus crash last week. Heck he was probably driving.

4:50 – Fleury giveth, Fleury taketh away. MAF makes two of the sickest saves you’ll ever see. Yes he gave up a softie but the Pens got a point day solely on his shoulders.

4:52 – Penguins shoot out line-up…Pascal Dupuis, Kris Letang, and Tyler Kennedy. No I’m not making that up. Hawks line-up…Jonathan Toes, Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane. I’m not by nature a betting man but…

…4:55 – Hawks win…Kane beats Fleury with a sick move moments after Dupuis cranks iron.

4:57 – While I respond to Christopher’s 7th angry text message, Emily appears smiling in her Hawks glory on the United Center scoreboard. Somehow, in spite of being in the next seat, her Penguin attired husband does not make the cut. Either way, those three seconds represent the only time I can look at the scoreboard today and smile.

5:00 - We leave relatively happy considering both the latest specter of hockey doom and the $25 Million of talent the Pens have on injured reserved. This one is behind us. Now let the James Neal era begin!