A Rough Weekend by the Arch

I NEVER LEARN. Seriously.

Over the past three seasons, I’ve traveled approximately 3,000 square miles to watch the Penguins lose 4 games on the road. Throw in trips to Philadelphia (08) and Phoenix (07) for ugly Steeler losses and you might think I would just stay home.

Even worse, I got my wife involved this time since the Pens and Blackhawks are here for back to backs. Now she’s part of the road trips of shame.

As some sort of demented therapeutic exercise, I’ve decided to chronicle our pain. So once again, with all due respect to the great Bill Simmons, my questionably accurate timeline of this weekend’s event. All times central daylight and HEAVILY ESTIMATED.

FRIDAY, 4PM – The first sign that Emily and I are not alone in this sojourn. I get wasted by a van with a Bears’ flag and a huge Blackhawk’s logo across the back window.

FRIDAY, 5pm – The second sign, a significant contingent of Hawks fans at hotel check in.

FRIDAY, 5:30pm – At Emily’s request, I dawn a Blackhawk’s T-shirt for the Friday game. As we walk through the lobby we see, you guessed it, two Penguin fans. I say “Let’s Go Pens…” and they look at me like I’m ALF.

FRIDAY, 7:00pm – On every road trip, there is that signature moment where I realize I’m not in Pittsburgh anymore. In St’ Louis it’s the beginning of their pre game scoreboard montage. You know how every NHL team goes well out of their way to make this really cool? Well apparently the Blues marketing department did not get the memo. They give us multiple St’ Louisians screaming, “I LOVE THE BLUES !” I could care less about the Blues before that. Now I hate them.

FRIDAY, 7:08pm – Jaroslav Halak takes the ice in a Blues uniform. In an unrelated matter, my blood pressure rises 25 percent.

FRIDAY 7:30pm – Patrick Sharp fires a 60 footer past Halak for a game tying power play goal. The contingent of Hawks fans in attendance start humming Chelsea Dagger. Personally, I pine for the days when the Hawks would play the ZZ Top Classic “Every Girl’s Crazy about a Sharp Dressed Man…” after a Sharpie goal. Dare to dream.

FRIDAY, 7:40pm - St' Louis fans do this really, really dorky dance every time they get a power play. The "gentleman" next to me, who arrives 40 minutes late from Chicago, charitably describes it in Ozzie Guillen-like terms.

FRIDAY, 8:30pm – Duncan Keith is well on his way to about 70 minutes of ice time. I note about that time that the Hawks 3rd defense pairing has barely hit the ice. Right on cue, John Scott hits the ice…and then hits Brad Winchester. If you can’t play…fight. Do you know they suggested at the Hawks convention that Scott might be the next Dustin Byfuglien? Uh, yah…sure.

FRIDAY, 9:15pm – With the game tied at two, Keith channels his inner Rob Scudieri. For reasons I can’t even begin to contemplate, last year’s Norris Trophy winner whips the puck blindly around the boards where its picked off by (I’m not making this up) Roman Polak. At this point Marty Turco channels his inner Cristobal Huet. Polak dribbles a 20 MPH wrist shot through Turco’s legs for the game winner. What do you expect for a paltry $1.5 Million, saves?

FRIDAY, 9:30pm – Patrik Berglund finishes off the Hawks with a power play goal and we have our first of THREE losses on the weekend. More on that later.

FRIDAY, 9:40pm – Numerous Blues fans are kind enough to inform us that the defending Stanley Cup champions apparently suck. After about the 20th time this information is relayed, two blocks from the arena I tell Emily, “apparently the Blackhawks suck.” The beautiful immediacy of live sports…nothing matters besides that night’s result.

FRIDAY, 9:42pm – Another St’ Louis MENSA candidate walks by Emily and comments, “hey did you see the game tonight? The Hawks lost !” We did and they did…thanks for the update. Looking forward to seeing you in Good Will Hunting Two.

SATURDAY, 2pm – Totally unrelated to hockey. I watch the end of Penn State’s less than inspiring win over the worst team in division I college football. After the game Joe Paterno is interviewed coming off the field. Every human being on earth should be as vibrant and energetic as JoePa was on his 80th birthday. And yet as I watch this interview it has never been more obvious that Joe is flat out of gas. He seems barely willing or able to answer the typically mindless post game questions. Maybe the greatest man in the history of college football, and he really, really, really needs to retire.

SATURDAY, 6pm – My wife is genuinely concerned that her hair is covering the “Talbot” on the back of her t-shirt. She does not want to commit a jersey foul. For the 200th time in this blog, is it any wonder I’m so in love with this woman? For the record, she wears my Fleury jersey so well (hope she looks as good in my new Brent Johnson jersey).

SATURDAY, 6:20pm – Can any city in the NHL come up with anything more original than “Sindy Crosby?” Especially considering that St’ Louis fans would give their left…er, uh arm to have that guy in a Blue’s uniform? Hope you enjoyed your two months with Gretzky in ‘96.

SATURDAY, 6:30pm – The first St’ Louis insult of the night. All around the arena they are showing the original broadcast of game 5 of the 1981 playoff series between the Pens and Blues. I arrive at my seat just in time to see Mike Crombeen beat Greg Millen in double overtime. Nothing like dredging up Pre Mario Penguin nightmares. By the way, Crombeen’s kid plays on the Blues today. I’m old.

SATURDAY, 6:45pm – Emily and I purchased the seats for these two games independently. So go figure that in a 19,000 seat arena we are in the same section, SAME ROW, just four seats further left for game 2.

SATURDAY, 7pm – The second St’ Louis insult of the night, the Penguins’ starting line-up is never announced. This in spite of the fact that the Pens are starting former Blues legend Brent Johnson in net. For the record, the Hawks line-up was announced on FRIDAY, albeit with minimal fan fare.

SATURDAY, 7:05pm – The third St’ Louis insult of the night. Blues mascot Louie the Bear cold cocks a guy wearing a Penguin outfit at center ice. Then the Blues training staff drags the Penguin off the ice without even the benefit of a stretcher. My wife is, in her words, “appalled.” I’m admittedly a tad tweaked. I mean, what the heck does a Bear have to do with Blues?

SATURDAY, 7:06pm – The fourth St’ Louis insult of the night. “I LOVE THE BLUES…” is back.

SATURDAY, 7:10pm – Our buddy Halak is in goal again. So much for seeing former Penguin legend Ty Conklin, at least after warm-ups. I tell Emily that I would love to put 8 behind this guy (not the word I used), but in the end, I’ll settle for 1 or 2. Seriously.

SATURDAY, 7:15pm – We can debate for the next 100 years whether Bylsma should have benched Fleury but Brent Johnson is flat out on fire. He makes the first of many brilliant saves on the night. A Pens fan behind me (and there were many in attendance) screams “Johnny Vezina” all night long. There is absolutely no goaltending controversy in the Burgh but…

SATURDAY, 7:30pm – The Pens are playing Charmin soft in this first period. When Mike Rupp and Tyler Kennedy are making drop passes at the blue line instead of cycling down low, you have problems. I’m getting angry. Solely by the grace of Brent Johnson, the Pens get out of the first period in a scoreless draw.

SATURDAY 8:00pm – Frankie Pietrangelo’s kid plays for St’Louis? Ok, turns out it’s his cousin. By the way, the Blues use the acronym SOG for shots on goal on the scoreboard. This is the second coolest acronym in sports behind YAC (yards after catch). The Penguins have bad SOG so far.

SATURDAY, 8:05pm to 8:45pm – The 18 Penguin skaters finally get the memo that there is a live NHL hockey game being played at the Scottrade Center. The Pens play a much better second period, at least at even strength and somehow fire 19 shots at Halak…without scoring. If I were a Montreal fan I would vomit on my season tickets…and then cancel them. I’m really hating that guy.

SATURDAY, 8:30ish – It took about awhile but I finally notice that Mike Comrie made the road trip. I maintain my belief that though ten games, all Comrie has shown is that he breathes and takes up space. I hate to use words like useless but… I briefly mollify my anger by picturing Hilary Duff buying groceries at Giant Eagle…at least until she demands we dump this stiff on Los Angeles.

SATURDAY, 9:00pm – The Pens start the third period with another missing in action power play effort. I ponder out loud to nobody in particular, why the Blues can set-up in the zone, make passes and get shots, while Sid, Geno and company can not. As I watch the latest power play 0-fer, I’m comforted that Paul Steigerwald has probably referred to Alex Goligoski as the “rover” on the power play at least 22 times.

SATURDAY, 9:20pm – The Cooke Monster strikes. Matt Cooke pummels Erik Brewer in the St’ Louis zone for about 20 seconds while the refs never stop play. The St’ Louis crowd over two nights reminds me of a junior high girls volleyball crowd. In less than ten seconds, Cooke has the entire arena enraged and chanting loud profanity in unison. Finally, a hockey game.

SATURDAY, 9:25pm – For about the 71st time, Chris Kunitz passes up a wide open shot to try and make a pretty pass to Crosby. Repeat after me Chris, “POWER FORWARD.” For the love of all that’s good and holy, shoot the #^&n puck. A few moments later, Letang makes a brilliant steal and passes up an open shot to pass to…MIKE RUPP, who misses the net. Think maybe Halak is in the Penguin’s heads? Seriously, Montreal would not pay Kunitz money to Halak…I’m speechless.

SATURDAY, 9:30pm – Eric Johnson (yes the snow mobile accident guy) beats Brent Johnson in overtime to give the Blues a 1-0 win. If you factor in that I arrived 20 minutes late in Carolina last year, I’ve now seen TWO GOALS in my four Penguin road games. Just not feeling the love for that one overtime point.

SATURDAY, 10pm – Emily and I are surrounded by happy people. For a team that goes 7 and 5 every year, Missouri fans are quite loud and proud. At the same time, the air goes out of Philadelphia when Ryan Howard strikes out looking. Apparently everybody I know had a bad sports weekend.

So what have I learned from all this? Why nothing of course. Looking forward to our first trip to the Consol Energy Center and hoping those Winter Classic tickets come through. And LET’S GO PENS !