Ask me what were the best years of my life, at least to the point where my beloved wife walked down the aisle at our wedding and I will answer without a moment’s hesitation. The four years I spent at the Pennsylvania State University.
It may sound like a cliché to call college the best years of my life but I don’t care. It was. That’s no slight to any other part of my childhood. It’s simply in deference to how much I enjoyed those four years in the place we affectionately call Happy Valley.
College is first and foremost about education but it’s so much more than that. It’s about growing up, establishing your independence and discovering who you really are as a person. It’s about having the freedom to believe unequivocally in your dreams and ideals, before such ideals are stripped from you by the harsh realities of life. It’s about the stunning metamorphosis from child to adult.
To me there was no better place for this than Happy Valley.
When I left Penn State I did so with more than a diploma. I left with a lifetime supply of experiences, memories and friends. I left with an emotional attachment that defies simple description. In those four years the University and everything it represents became more than just my Alma mater. It became part of my heart and my soul. Penn State does not define me, but it’s absolutely part of my identity. One need only inventory my clothing to understand that.
That is why I was so determined to bring my wife there last summer; cost and time commitment be damned. I wanted her to see at least once, what was so critically important to me.
To me, it was the last innocent place on earth; untouched by the noise, traffic, politics, or corruption of life. And right now that innocence is shattered, irrevocably I fear.
I never defined my Penn State experience by our football team; or by our legendary coach Joe Paterno. That was a part of it; one of many to be sure. At the same time, as I got further and further from my college years, in time and distance the football team and Paterno were the most tangible symbols I could cling to. And whether we like it or not, that team and that coach represent and define us nationally.
For as long as I can remember, that was something to be truly proud of. Sadly I doubt that will ever be the case again.
What transpired at Penn State in the last 72 hours to 13 years is a tragedy of unspeakable proportions. It involves (allegedly) a sick sexual deviant who for reasons only he can explain performed repeated acts that would disgust any sane person. It likely involves to some degree a cover up and thus the enabling of these horrific acts. Exactly how deep that cover up goes and who is ultimately involved is beyond the scope of my knowledge. And for purposes of this blog, it’s irrelevant.
Those who are responsible will pay; at minimum with their jobs, at maximum with their freedom. Jerry Sandusky will likely spend the rest of his life as a guest of the state of Pennsylvania. That is the minimum he deserves for the lives he has (allegedly) ruined. And in the end, that’s going to be a long list.
The list will include countless young men; likely far more than is reported and far more than we will ever know. It will include university personnel who dedicated significant portions of their lives to the betterment of the school. It involves Mike McQueary who undoubtedly wanted no part of this. And it very well may include the legendary coach who devoted 60 plus years of his life to that school; 60 plus years to coaching and mentoring young men.
For that I will very much mourn. In the end, Joe Paterno’s legacy may die at the hands of a man he trusted for over 30 years. It will not matter that he was neither the perpetrator of nor witness to these horrific events. He will be viewed as an enabler ostensibly because he was deemed to have not done enough to prevent it.
I hope and pray that is not the case. Not out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Paterno or Penn State mind you. I hope this because I simply do not want to believe a man who did so much good, a man who is literally the embodiment of Penn State University was in any way responsible for this.
Sadly with each passing news story my doubts grow stronger.
A lot will happen in the next few weeks, months, and years. I don’t think any of us can even begin to imagine the breadth of it. A University and its football program that has operated with unparalleled consistency for 45 some years will likely be torn apart brick by brick and rebuilt from scratch. It’s the only thing that can be done.
This is about more than that though. This is about the death of something I hold precious and dear in my heart. This is in some ways the death of a part of me. Call that over dramatization or extreme hyperbole if you like but it’s my truth. I doubt I’m alone amongst Penn State alumni.
This is a place that I love, my Alma mater; an institution that is rightfully an immense source of pride in my life. And it has suddenly become an object of nationwide scorn and ridicule. It’s about a school that has done so much for so many for so long being painted with a broad brush because of the heinous actions of a select few.
It’s about the words “for the glory of old state,” which have always meant so much to me now being used as a punch line.
And yes to some very small degree it’s about football. Understand that is the least important thing in this tragedy. At the same time it’s something that connects tens of thousands of alumni over five decades. I’ve always taken Penn State’s football history as a given. More than that, I took its future as a given. Now I’m not sure there is a future. I'm not sure I can even watch the Nebraska game this Saturday.
I would hope even the most cynical observers can understand how painful this is to us as alumni. So much so that I cannot read the endless barrage of news stories or even draft this blog without a tear in my eyes. I’m overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions. And worst of all, I honestly don’t trust my own instincts and convictions to evaluate what's happening.
Like most PSU alums, I’m going through the four stages of grief on this. Right now I’m on the back edge of stage one, denial, at least in regards to JoePa. I want so much to believe he’s not the bad guy in this. I want to believe I will wake up tomorrow and find this was all just an awful nightmare.
The second stage is supposed to be anger but I fear that I’ll hit depression first. I’m not a trained psychologist so I honestly don’t know if you are required to hit these stages in order. I just know how I feel. I don’t foresee acceptance and hope in the near future, not on this issue.
I understand that some might read this and infer a lack of perspective on my part. I assure you this is not the case. I understand with absolute certainty here that the greatest victims are these children. And I can assure you my sadness and grief mirrors the magnitude of the event. Life offers far greater tragedies than the spiritual death of a university and the reputation of its football coach. Trust me I understand this.
That does not diminish my sadness today. Nowhere is it written that we cannot mourn a loss, simply because there are other losses of greater magnitude. Loss is loss, hurt is hurt. I can fully appreciate the gravity of Sandusky’s alleged offenses while mourning the collateral damage to my beloved Alma mater. Such emotions are not mutually exclusive.
The last 72 hours have been awful. I doubt the next few weeks, months, or even years will be much better. Honestly I don’t know what will transpire, but I know what has so far. It’s the end of the innocence in Happy Valley. Perhaps the end of my innocence as well
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I think you touched on all the points that I am feeling right now. In fact, I see myself in much of the words you wrote (maybe I am a little more infatuated with PSU football). I was supposed to go to the game this weekend and I don't know what to do. How awful is it to support a program that might have played a role in this whole thing?! It is so painful. I feel like my identity is lost right now. Thanks for writing, I felt I needed to respond
ReplyDeleteSandusky admitted to improper behavior in the past and nothing was done...disgusting....When allegations were raised a second time, he was told he was no longer allowed to bring young boys to campus. He was also told that he could no longer have his football camps there. He was, however, allowed to hold camps and "entertain" young boys at the various satellite campuses...this is beyond disgusting...Whoever is found to have made these decisions should be hung right next to the pervert himself. I am appalled beyond belief by this callus response to such heinous behavior.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I feel every word you've written.
ReplyDeleteFrom a fellow alumnus, very well written.
ReplyDeleteWhen you set your self up as a protector and advocate only to do the complete opposite under a cloak of deception and arrogance then their is no room for you in our society.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who read and/or commented on this blog. I hope its clear it was written from the heart. This is a powerful, emotional, and painful issue for us all. It will change the Penn State community forever.
ReplyDeleteThe only real victims in this are the children who were abused. They and ONLY they deserve your thoughts, sympathy, and support. That said, the entire Penn State community is collateral damage.
Well written, it bought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteThis was the most intellegent writing that I have read since this all began. Well said......
ReplyDeleteI'm a parent of two Penn State grads and love PSU as much as they do
There are 5 stages of grief; you left out the 3rd stage which is "bargaining." But what do you expect from a PSU grad.
ReplyDeleteYou'll know when you are at acceptance when you recognize that your loss of innocence is trivial compared to the loss experienced by the real victims (which you paid lip service to), AND that the loss of trivial items is not something to get that upset about.
I could not agree more with the last response. The real victims were the kids that no only had to endure what that monster did to them all those years ago, but now have to relive it all again. While you are entitled to your own feelings, I find it appalling that it took you until the third to last paragraph to mention those poor children. While Sandusky is the real villain, I am disgusted by how the "PSU Family" continues to make excuses for Paterno; telling everyone not to forget all the good he did for his players all those years and that one mistake should not change that. Just in case the PSU Family cannot see it clearly, all he did was put the football program first. It was a selfish and cowardly act. Sounds like a great man to me.
ReplyDeleteTwo the last two comments (11/11 and 11/14)...
ReplyDeleteYou are both entitled to your views and opinions which were very strong. However its fairly clear that you did not understand the point of this article. The point was to explain how much grief this has caused all of us in the PSU community.
You both seem to have ignorned this part of the article...
"That does not diminish my sadness today. Nowhere is it written that we cannot mourn a loss, simply because there are other losses of greater magnitude. Loss is loss, hurt is hurt. I can fully appreciate the gravity of Sandusky’s alleged offenses while mourning the collateral damage to my beloved Alma mater. Such emotions are not mutually exclusive."
It is amazing to me how many people don't get this. Is it so hard to conceive that the PSU community can be horrifed and saddened by what happened to the children...and also feel sadness for what's happening to our school and community?
I wish life were as simple and black and white as you both would have us believe.